Goin’ places that I’ve never been, Seein’ things that I may never see again...

What's that?? Two blogs in one evening? Am I crazy??

Well, yes.. But I'm also chock full of useless ramble tonight, so I might as well tell you all that I finally managed to get out on another roadtrip a couple weeks ago.. YEAH! and here it is, in all it's unnecessarily detailed glory!!

Well, I guess it was technically a daytrip.. Trish and I trucked it a couple hours up the highway to check out Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D Yes it was a short trip, and no, all did not go as planned, but it was what it was, and just like all of our roadtrips, hilarity did indeed ensue. beginning with the rental car. Yeah, I rented a car! I love renting cars.. But the fact that Enterprise closes at noon on Saturdays somehow escaped me. I don't really think it was my fault though, because if you close at noon, why would your website let people schedule pickups AT noon?! It makes no sense! So the guy calls me at like, 11:35 to make sure I'm still gonna pick up the car, and inform me that they close early on Saturday.

CRAP! I was still in my christmas-themed pajama pants for god's sake! Somehow, I managed to make it in there at EXACTLY noon, albeit looking like total crap because I require more than 10 minutes to get decently ready. Walk in, hand over the required driver's license / credit card Verification Combo, and the guy says '......pretty'... and I think to myself '.....uhhhh, what?'... then after a split second, I remember what cards he has, and just assume he's talking about my license, because I look good in that picture, and he's trying to let me know that it's clear that I don't always look like a big fat pile of hell.

And it's lucky that my face remained frozen in the confused look, and didn't transition into the 'oh, I get it' look, because seconds later he realized what he'd said, and the different ways it could have been taken, and followed up with '..the whole water thing'.....which is when it became clear that No, bless his heart, I hadn't gotten what he was saying. He wasn't referring to my license, he was referring to my bitchin', sparkly blue, water-themed Capitol One Visa!!!!!

Priceless! My life should be a sitcom! And it doesn't end there!

So the super awesome Enterprise dude (who shall remain nameless, cause he gave me a sweet deal on the car.) ends up giving me a brand new Sebring, even though I requested a couple classes below that. Anyway, has anyone seen the door handles on a Sebring? Car door handles that lift out like that are totally alien to me.. I had a hard enough time getting used the handles on those stupid Berettas. So I fidget with the door for about 10 seconds before I decide to swallow my sharp and rusty pride, and ask the guy how to get in the freakin' car. Just as I do, it comes open. So it was like 'GAH! How do you op.........oh'.

THEN, I forgot the most crucial step in car rentery... taking a few moments to assess the inner workings of this unfamiliar vehicle... MISTAKE!!! Cause I back out in the street, think I have it in drive, only to rev the engine in that embarrassing 'oh god, I'm in neutral' way. Then I flounder around for a minute, and eventually get it in drive... only to hear a familiar tick-tick tick-tick noise. You know, the one you don't hear very often, so when you do, it takes you a few seconds to realize you have the HAZARD LIGHTS ON!!!!! and then it takes you 10 times as long to figure out how to turn them off. Maybe it's just me, but I think the hazard lights should be somewhere on the steering wheel, or at least in a place that isn't easily accessible, instead of being directly below the stereo, in full reach of any passenger, or perhaps a driver who hasn't scoped out all of the gadgetry on a car she's driving for the first time. Any button that is so easily pressed, is never so easily found again, even if it's in plain sight. That's the law, and that's the reason I drove an embarrassing number of city blocks with the hazard lights on.

Moving on to Sunday morning.. We had actually planned to get an earlier start, and spend the day puttering around another unfamiliar city, even checked out some local tattoo places in the hopes that we'd suddenly find the intestinal fortitude to get our noses pierced. But that was not to be, as an extremely unfortunate encounter with my Lady Schick triple-blade razor left me wimpering in my bathtub like a small child. Who knew I was a bleeder? Who knew I apparently still cannot handle the sight of my own blood? ....NOT ME, That's who! Needless to say, the time it took me to stop the bleeding while trying NOT to pass out, set me back longer than it should have.

We still made it there pretty early though... I really didn't realize how easy it was to get there, all this time I thought it would be more difficult than it actually is. Strange how the universe works. Our plan was to drive straight to the theater first, and then scope out the local eateries, cause neither of us had eaten that day, and Trish had been up for at least 24 hours straight by that point. (That's right... she'd been up that long, and was still right there with me. How awesome is THAT?!) So out of all the fast-food joints we had to choose from, we made the mistake of going with Arby's.....like I said, MISTAKE!

There were at least three employees that were just standing around (well, three that I could see, anyway), two customers who had obviously been waiting a while, and a rather large spot of dried soda, with one of those 'wet floor' signs beside it. We should have turned and walked out immediately.. Ah, hindsight. Trish ordered fries.. That was it, just a large order of fries, and I shit you not, it took the guy upwards of TEN minutes to get them! Were they making fresh ones? NO! It took him that long to waltz his lazy ass over to a pile of old lukewarm fries. So she goes to find a table, and leaves me there another ten minutes waiting for the ham & cheese I ordered right after her fries. By that time, there were at least five other customers there, who were just standing around, while the laziest Arby's employees on the planet played the 'lets see how long we can make these people wait before someone goes postal' game. I don't know if anyone flipped out after I finally got my food, but I wouldn't have been suprised. The food itself was pretty gross too, so we ended up just throwing it away.. Ah well, it was our fault for not trusting our guts. Lesson learned.

Moving on, we get back to the theater, and find the little kiosk thing you use when you've preordered tickets. Here's a tip for ya.. When you put in your confirmation number, just know that within half a second, it's gonna start spewing tickets in hyper speed. Which is exactly what it did, so Trish and I are flailing around, trying desperately to grab the tickets... much like one of those money tubes that lottery and game shows used to have, where you're flailing like a jackass for $1's and $5's while the audience points and laughs.

Finally make it to our seats... (are any of you suddenly hearing the 'hallelujah' chorus? HA!), and I know we had to have spent AT LEAST a good five minutes laughing at how stupid we looked in those 3D glasses. The glasses were so huge, it prompted my Harry Caray impersonation (or rather, me impersonating Will Ferrell impersonating Harry Caray.. don't ask, cause you'll probably never get to see it!). so I guess it's good that I was in a theater full of people I never have to see again. Ah, I don't think anyone heard it anyway. Let us hope. I gotta say, if I hadn't already really liked Nightmare Before Christmas, this probably would have been a letdown, and it kinda was.. Only slightly, and that's probably just because it managed to give me a rancid headache. But that's what I get for running out of contacts, and refusing to wear my glasses underneath giant 3D glasses. My bad. The drive home was pretty uneventful, I was trying not to fall asleep, and Trish was trying not to go delirious from lack of sleep.

And so, another bitchin' roadtrip has come and gone, and now I need another one.

And with that, friends and neighbors, I'm out!

FIN!!!

"...Leaves are falling all around, Its time I was on my way.
Thanks to you, Im much obliged for such a pleasant stay.
But now its time for me to go, the autumn moon lights my way.
For now I smell the rain, and with it pain, and its headed my way..."

It’s a shame to waste all this empty space...

Five minutes ago, I was laying in bed, replaying my week... ya know, like I usually do, when it suddenly occurred to me that I sleep like I'm sharing my bed. Very strange. All these years I've been content with my cozy little right-side spot (my right, not yours), while completely ignoring the entire left side. And why? What am I doing?! I should be utilizing this extra space that so many significant others secretly wish for.

I bet a lot of people sleep this way. Well NO MORE! It's a Revolution people! What are we all waiting for?? Go ahead and hog the bed! There's no one else in it but you!!!

I know what you must be thinking.. "thanks a lot for reminding me that I'm the only one in my bed! Ya jerk!" ...... and frankly, I started to think the same thing, but stop right there, Negative Nancy! This is about the space we're not using, that we'll bitch about not having later. Take advantage of it now, while you still have the power! (After a tough discussion with myself, I decided to leave out any reference to 'Grayskull' in that last sentence. So close though. All the 80's nerds in the room, can I get a hell yeah!?'

Anycrap, here I am, typing away at my latest ramble, from the middle of my bed. Ok, no, I can't just go ALL the way over to the left side yet! We're still talking foreign territory here. Baby steps, man. Baby steps.

I gotta tell you, this is actually pretty weird.. I'm never over here. I feel like any second, someone's gonna walk in and say 'You're in my spot!!!!!!'.

....aaaaaand cue the dog!

........aaaaaaaand *SCENE*!

Even though it really just happened (she really did jump up here just now) that was still incredibly lame.

Ah well, I don't profess to be a good writer, and if I were, I'd have to be on strike right now anyway.

Back to my dog. God my dog is great. So what if she doesn't know basic trained-dog tricks.. My dog's a thinker, a sarcastic litte bugger.. Kind of like a mini Sophia Petrillo in a fur coat. Sometimes I almost forget that she's a dog (and she's definitely a dog, which is the ONLY excuse for her rampant butt-lickery)

My little bodyguard... who valiantly attempts to rescue me from early wake-up calls and the UPS guy..

My little turd-monkey... who got mad when I laughed at her, and took it out on the hallway carpet with a whiz not to be believed.

My little pumpkin... who'll jump up here and lay beside me for no other reason than the fact that she wants to be here with me.

And that's Peanut, in a nutshell.. *cue the bad joke cymbal-crash*

My little Peanut.. Who I really hope will outlive her shitzu expiration date, but I fear will one day leave me all alone to entertain the morbid thought of having her freeze-dried and on display. Not to scare any potential grandkids, but for the lamer reason of not being able to let her go.

Damn. Right now I kinda regret the fact that I'm never very liberal with the treats.

..So raise the candles high, cause if you don't we could stay black against the sky. Oh raise them higher again, and if you do, we could stay dry against the rain..

Strange Days Indeed...

So I got to hang out with Roger last sunday.. we actually saw a movie this time.. and I don't think I have to tell you that The Simpsons was all in all, pretty decent. The whole spider pig thing is great, and believe it or not, I nearly got misty-eyed before it was over. (you know what? forget I said that. misty... PFFT!) and yeah, it's obviously gonna be like one giant episode, but if you like the simpsons, then you're set. Suprisingly though, I have more to say about the previews
First off.. did anyone else know they were making Alvin and The Chipmunks?!?! WHAT KIND OF BLASPHEMY IS THIS!?!!?!! Ok, I love Alvin and The Chipmunks, and Jason Lee is hilariously funny, and YES, the preview looked decent... but... BUT!! Am I the only one who thinks cartoons should stay cartoons?? Is nothing sacred anymore?? By the way, yes, I'll have to see it.

It'll be coming out December 14th, so whoever's going with me, clear your schedule! and has anyone seen the extended version of the Army commercial they're playing now?? JEEZ! I always like seeing it on tv, cause I'm all about watching guys in uniform running around to awesome background music, but to see it in the theater? JEEZ.. the surround sound alone is almost enough to make me want to join the army.. you know, if I weren't the COMPLETE opposite of army material. I'd join if I had to, and I'm sure they'd take me if they had to, but I'm sure they wouldn't like it.

Moving on, the new Jodi Foster flick looks pretty sweet too.. I don't know much about it, just that I guess her boyfriend is murdered, and she goes after the people who did it, vigilante style, which I think we'd all love to try at least once. I think it's the same idea as the new Kevin Bacon movie, but I like J.F. better.

and last but not least... Balls of Fury. Now, the name alone is reason enough for me to see it, but Christopher Walken? Ping Pong? That chinese guy who's in everything, but I'll always refer to as 'Lo Pan', because Big Trouble in Little China is still one of my favorite movies EVER?!?!? .........sounds like it could make it on the 'greatest movie ever' list! I must see it.. if I died right now, without seeing Balls of Fury, I'm sure my soul would be damned to roam the earth for all eternity, haunting random people in theater restrooms, or something equally as lame. I honestly don't think that was half of the previews we saw, and the commercials... god the commercials.. although I did think it was pretty funny that in one of the ads for either for a doctor or dentist (I can't remember which) the guy totally looked like Glen Campbell... and I'm glad I was there with Rog, cause he's the only one who would have gotten it, AND find it funny. Ah well, I take every available opportunity to say 'Rhinestone Cowboy'. Guess you had to be there.

After the movie, we pretty much went about our usual routine... Make asses out of ourselves at the Burger King drive-thru, truck on over to Ritter Park to hang out at the picnic tables, and spend a few hours talking about life, while those feisty ritter park squirrels chuck acorns at us from the trees above. If they had better aim, maybe I'd be afraid.. it's like full-on acorn assault... but since they're so bad at it, I can't help but laugh at their poorly executed acorn tactics! HA! Take that, sniper squirrels!

ok, now I'm getting pretty sleepy.. so I have to tell you one more thing before I go.. and this is creepy.. so this morning I'm having some stupid dream about a gas station.. I was filling up my car when two guys came up to me and demanded my purse.. I just stared at them and hit the panic button on my keys.... so my car starts going nuts, they run off, and then the gas station owner came out.. I thought she came to help, but she was in on it too, then she put her arm around me and I woke up. it was her arm that woke me up.. which is totally strange, like I actually felt it, and I even remember thinking to myself how weird that was.

So I look at the clock, 6:30am.. and while I was laying there, I heard the tv in the living room.. sounded like commercials and stuff, cause it got louder all of a sudden. I laid there for a minute, then I started to get pissed cause I thought my mom was still awake, and she knows I can't sleep when the tv's blasting. So I sit up, look in my mirror (which is the only way I can see down the hallway from my bed), and there are no lights, but I still hear the tv. So then I decide that my dad must have gotten up in the middle of the night, cause he couldn't sleep, and then fell asleep with the tv on. I figure I better go put a blanket on him, and turn the freakin tv off... so as I'm trudging down the hallway, the noise fades out, and by the time I make it to the living room...... NOTHING. No mom, no dad, NO TV... so I'm just standing there in the dark like a fool (we have heavy curtains in that room, so it was still pitch black, even though it was starting to get light outside), and I was afraid to move cause I couldn't believe what was going on.

To top it off, my dog wasn't even with me.. so I haul ass back to my room to find her.. pick her up and stand in the hallway a good five minutes to see if she's gonna act funny, like somethings going on.. you know.. she was pretty frozen for a while, staring down the hallway like she saw something, and of course I was scared shitless.. cause it was scary... durr.. and then I guess she decided whatever was there was finally gone, cause she put her head on my shoulder and went back to sleep. I figured by that point that it was safe to move, and she was snoring before I even made it back to my bed. Needless to say, it took me forever to fall back asleep. the dream after that was pretty stupid.. all I remember was the part about installing a stripper pole in my house, which if you know me at all, is the dumbest thing ever..

Kari + a stripper pole = five or six minutes of fun, followed by possible broken bones, large hospital bills, and at least three nicknames I'd never be able to live down. somehow it just doesn't seem worth it.

goodnight all

"The silence of a falling star lights up a purple sky, and as I wonder where you are, I'm so lonesome I could cry"

Suffering Blue Bastard...

What the hell am I talking about??

A CUP!
YES! A CUP!

ok, ok.. it's a tiki mug.. whatever... and it's about to be my new loose change receptacle. Look at it! Isn't it great?!?!





actually, this should be a blog about how Ebay is the devil. Because it is! Why? Because I wasn't even looking for a new change jar!! I didn't even need it, and I paid way too much for it! (yeah I know... totally out of character! and no, I don't know what came over me)but how could I NOT buy something called a Suffering Blue Bastard??!?!? oooooooh.... during the course of writing this blog, I've figured out what the destiny of this mug shall be..

and it goes a little something like this..

PHASE 1 : settle down, get married, have children (bla bla BLAH!!)... fast forward to GRANDCHILDREN .... at least 2.

PHASE 2 : concoct several background stories* of the Suffering Blue Bastard**, involving who he was, how he came to be, why he's suffering, and how I came to posess such a dumb looking object.

*Make sure stories are believable, while still incorporating such things as flying monkeys, inanimate objects that only talk when no one else is around, and magic dust. This will be the tricky part.
** Find a better word than 'bastard' to use around the grandchildren.

PHASE 3 : Tell each kid a different story, and then cleverly hide my amusement as they fight over who knows the real story.. all the while, each kid thinking THEY know the real story, cause I've told them they're my favorite.. of course I'd tell my favorite grandkid the truth... right? HA! WRONG! Then I'll laugh heartily at their having believed me.. mainly because I plan to torment my grandchildren often.. and by that point they should have learned not to trust me.

PHASE 4 : Hop on my metallic blue Rascal, and ride off into the sunset... still laughing at their stupidity. gah.. that's just beautiful.

FIN!

...and I'm home!

oooooooooooh yeah... I feel like I've been run over by a truck.. and then maybe dragged behind it for a while. I haven't been this sore in a while.. it's what I get for sitting on my bum all day, every day at work, and then thinking there won't be any problem at all when I spend several hours hoofing it thru an unfamiliar city. Seems I only thought my boots were comfortable. so much to tell, so many pics to post... too tired to do it right now. tomorrow I'll tell you all about the drive up, our second valet encounter, our foray into the city streets of cleveland, our complete ignorance of city blocks and how hellaciously large they are, the glory of the hard rock cafe, the jerkwad cabbies, the BEST CONCERT EVER, the aftermath of the best concert ever, and the pros and cons of alfalfa sprouts.

until then, LATER TATERS!

On the road again...

I'm pretty sure I had a blog with this title last year.. ah well, it was for nearly the same exact thing anyway. that's beside the point! it's almost 4 am..not sure when I'll get to sleep, but it doesn't even matter now! in a few hours, I'll be on the road! YEAH! so anyway, keep your fingers, toes, eyes.. whatever you can cross, crossed that we don't get lost.. if i'm not back by sunday, come looking for me!! hopefully I'll be back with some decent pictures this time. god I'm tired.. Im' not even making sense anymore. ok, I'll talk to everyone in a few days.

AND I'M OUT!!!
XOXO

Update on my worst nightmare...

Well, I haven't been mauled.. YET.. but thanks to a certain deadly handsome Irish man, here's a visual of what that scenario might look like

Hopefully, it was born a ramblin' bear, and is long gone by now. Otherwise it's staking out my house, learning my routine and planning it's attack.... or not.. I guess you know that could have been paranoia talking just now. Hmm

"...I get so lost, sometimes..."

My worst nightmare has come true...

BEAR SIGHTINGS... AT MY HOUSE... THAT'S RIGHT! BEARS! MY WORST FEAR! AT MY HOUSE!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! *HYPERVENTILATING* swear to god.. I'm so afraid of bears its not even funny! It's probably because I watched 'Grizzly' when I was a kid. Have you guys even seen 'Grizzly'?!?!?! Total 70's cheese about some gargantuan bloodthirsty maniac bear on a rampage. I say cheesy, but it totally scared the crap out of me.. nothing could get me to watch that movie EVER again!!! The bear was so huge, they couldn't kill it with guns.. if I remember correctly, they had to BLOW IT UP with a ROCKET LAUNCHER!!!!!

oh god.. SO scared of bears... I have nightmares about bears around my house all the time! AND NOW IT'S HAPPENING!!! no, it's not a huge bear, it's a small black bear.. like the size of a big dog. But do you think that matters to me?!?! CAUSE IT DOESN'T!!! this could only end badly.. it's not gonna be like 'The Great Outdoors', where John Candy shoots the hair off that bear's ass, and hilarity ensues... oh no... it's gonna be me spending all my money on bear repellent and guns (do they even make bear repellent?? do you know where I can find some??), then mistaking my neighbor's dog for the bear, assassinating it with completely unnecessary and over the top firepower, and ending up in jail for it. my entire life, nobody's ever mentioned seeing a bear in our general vicinity.. WHY do they have to come sniffin' around now!??!?!?!

AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! ok, I'm calming down, I'll be fine... I just need some bear repellent and some guns. maybe a rocket launcher.

*PUKE*

this would only happen to me... at work the other day, I answer a call as usual, go thru my 'thank you for calling blah blah blah, this is blah blah, can I get the number you're calling about bla la la'.. then I hear a male voice mumbling something about his home phone number and his cell phone.. ooooooook.. LOVELY I can barely hear him, and I have no idea what the hell he's talking about, so I ask his name... he doesn't give it to me, but proceeds to go thru his story about his home phone and cell AGAIN (this happens a lot, nobody can answer a f#ckin' question anymore).

Fine.. I'm straining to hear him, but finally figure out that he's asking how to turn his phone off. (this happens a lot too, cause nobody knows how to use their f#ckin' phones).. so I go thru the usual 'press and hold the button with the red phone on it'.... followed by 'nothings happening'... followed by me saying 'press and hold'... followed by 'oh'.. by this time I'm convinced that the guy is handicapped, and for that reason have let his bad attitude slide.. also because he's thanking me profusely for what I've just taught him. Hmm.. that's nice.. people seem to think that just because you're nice to me now, it somehow erases the fact that you were a complete assface not 5 minutes ago.. but I digress. So I start to close the call.. I ask if there's anything else I can do for him. He says no, and lets me get all the way thru my 'blah blah blah, have a great day' before he's yelling 'MISS! MISS!'.... did I mention I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT?!?!?!?!

it was worse this time, mainly because I couldn't hear him, or understand 90% of what he was mumbling. so he starts saying something about staying on the phone with me, and something about 'round the world'... with an occasional 'oh lordy' thrown in... for good measure I guess.. this goes on for a while, with me giving generic answers like'yeah', 'uh huh'.. or 'hmm?'.. the occasional 'I'm sorry, what was that?'. All the time trying to figure out a way to end the call, and to be as polite as possible, because obviously this man is retarded, and probably all the other reps he talked to didn't have the patience to help him. that sounds good, doesn't it. what a good little samaritan I am.yeah, I thought so too.. until I covered my other ear so I could hear him better. it was about that time that I started noticing more 'oh lordy's' being thrown in, and some other noises going on. So I could only assume he was, ahem.. roughing himself up...

I suppose I can't be sure, but this brings up several questions.. Was he really retarded? or was he just molesting himself?......... or maybe BOTH?!?! GAH!!!! SICK!!! Ya know, this is pretty funny, but still.... I can't tell you how gross I feel... I'm feelin' a little violated. yeah, that's kinda over dramatic... that's why I said 'a little'. ICK! Scarred for life!

Niiiiiiiiiice...

So last night, I got an email on myspace from Some Dude saying 'if it tastes that good... eat it yourself'

my first thought was 'heh??' within seconds, it became clear to me what he meant by that.. but I still replied with 'heh??'

and then he says 'you seem a little hung up on yourself...'

AND THEN HE BLOCKED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The dipshit didn't even have enough testicular fortitude to wait for my reply!! and I hadn't even launched into defensive mode at that point.. I was just about ask him what exactly made him think that. (I'm pretty sure I know why, but whatever)

anyway.. like your profile isn't supposed to be.. uh, I don't know.. ALL ABOUT YOU?! I guess I can't speak for everyone, but I get pissed when someone sends me a friend request, and there's nothing about them in their profile.. why would I wanna add someone based on just their picture?? Like I should just take their word for it that we have things in common?? Screw that!

ya know, this really chaps my ass.

and not even because he said I was hung up on myself.. it's because Captain NoGrapes just HAD to give me his opinion... you know, without me asking for it, and then didn't give me the chance to speak mine.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....................ok I'm fine now.

Die, Die My Darling...

oh yeah that's right.. I was nearly killed

why is it that you could be the only car on the highway, yet some jackass feels the need to pull right out in front of you anyway.. instead of waiting 2 seconds for you to go by?!?! Yup, that's what happened to me last night.

So there I was on the way home from work.. it was pretty boring cause I was by myself and it's a 35 minute drive. Minding my own business like a good little driver, when some a-hole in what I'll assume was a semi, but could at least be described as a hellaciously large truck, waits til the VERY last second to pull out in front of me.

My first thought was the typical 'what an idiot!!'... I'm laying on the brakes pretty heavily, but not slamming, until I realize that this truck has a huge bed on it..which ends up blocking both lanes! and the only reason I even saw it, was because the miniscule reflectors just happened to do their job at just the right second. So then I'm slamming the brakes, seriously thinking I'm about to plow right into this dumbass.

and this would be the point most people talk about their lives flashing before their eyes.. and to be honest, that's how I thought it would be. Strangely enough, I didn't spend that last second thinking of those I love.. my only thought was 'you can't die singing Air Supply'........ THAT WAS IT!! That was my profound 'last thought'!! I love the song, but come on! I couldn't go out like that!!! Isn't that ridiculous?? So stupid in fact, that if I HAD died, I would have insisted, from the grave - via dream visitation, that it be mentioned in my eulogy. That's how it would start.. "Kari came to me in a dream.. she wanted you all to know that she died singing along with Air Supply.. to be specific, it was 'All Out Of Love'. And that's the kind of dumbass she was".. and then hopefully everyone would laugh, and miss me a little, and then you know, go on talking about how great I was. HA!

So my big stupid 'near death' experience got me thinking. I'm really weird.. Sometimes even I'M suprised by my own warped thought process. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with myself, and wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes I just have to point and laugh at myself.

and I wonder what other people think too.. bringing me to story # 2....

at work a few weeks back, I had trainees sitting with me. Yes, sitting with ME... even though I go into work everyday feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing. I actually pitied the first chick... she couldn't possibly have learned anything from me. Lucky for her, she seemed to have a good enough grasp on things... didn't need much help anyway. The second lady had already worked there for 3 years, so basically, I had someone who knew the job inside out, watching me bullshit my way through the day. Niiiiiiice. I can't having someone looking over my shoulder.. not to mention the fact that I was only supposed to be taking calls up until the first break, but for some reason, I took them the entire day while she listened through a headset plugged into my phone.. *cough*I got hosed*cough*

so I ended up with a migraine, and somehow, a totally thrashed contact lens. But the best part of this story, is when I logged in that day, she wasn't there yet, so I'm sitting there pulling all my programs up.

Then I thought I heard my phone ringing... which of course it was ringing, because otherwise, the Underpants Gnome song from South Park wouldn't have been blasting out of my purse. For a second though, I guess because of the computer noise, I couldn't really tell.. so what do I do? Did I open my purse and take out my phone?? NO! Of course not!! I chose to hold my purse up to my head so I could check it that way. Of course that was the exact moment my 3-years-experienced trainee decided to show up.. I didn't know she was there until I heard 'Hi Kari'... I turned in my chair, with the purse still in place, firmly pressed against my ear, and as I said before, blasting the underpants gnome song. Can you imagine what was going through her mind?! haha

PRICELESS!!

and THESE are the stories I'll tell my grandchildren one day.

Five o'clock in the mornin'...

if anyone knows what song my blog title is from... I'll respect you forever. If you knew the version... maybe I'd love you forever too. HA! So you know it must be pretty obscure. Yup.

Ahhh... wide awake at 5am.. Haven't been this bored in a long time. So I figured I'd ramble on here for a while.

YEAH!

Hmm.. what's happened to me lately.. *thinks*. Actually, there hasn't been a lot going on. Work is picking up, so I suppose that could be considered a good thing. It's almost funny how much I dislike customer service, yet I find myself back there every day.. talking to one jackass after another. Honest to god.. if I'm on the phone with you, trying to fix your voicemail.. and I say 'Okay, I need to make a test call into your voicemail to make sure it works. So when your phone beeps.. DON'T ANSWER IT'..... common sense might just tell you not to answer the beep... but I can't tell you how many people do answer it. Since I'm on the subject, here are some other things to remember before you call any customer service...

~If your problem has ANYTHING to do with the phone itself... CALL ME FROM A DIFFERENT PHONE. ex. f you can't figure out how to copy numbers from your address book, or you can't figure out how to change your ringtone... aside from me just telling you how to do it, and hoping that you retained at least enough of that information to not call back 5 minutes later, I can't help you.

~I'm required to say certain things at the beginning and ending of a call.. Don't interrupt me. When I ask your name.. don't just start telling me your problem.. GIVE ME YOUR FREAKIN NAME! and if I ask you if there's anything else I can do for you, if you say 'no' and then let me get all the way thru 'thank you for calling, have a nice day'... THAT'S IT! Understand that you will now forfeit any chance to ask more questions...don't try yelling 2 seconds before I hang up. this happens at least 10 times a day.

~If you think you deserve a credit for something.. don't say 'I've been a great customer'.. no you haven't. At best, you've merely fulfilled the obligations of a contract YOU SIGNED. Why do people think it makes them some kind of god if they can abide by a contract?? Hey everybody! Look at me! I told them I'd pay my bills for 2 years, and I actually did it!! YIPPEEEEE!! Where's my party! Where's my 'Best Customer Ever' T-shirt and giant cardboard check for 25,000??

~Don't start the call off by being a total douche... that makes me not want to help you. And yeah, you might be mad about something.. and you might be pissy that you have to verify all your information for the 40th time... but I don't know you from a cat turd.. I have to ask you questions to know what's going on. For god's sake, help me out a little.

~Don't call me if you're eating, bathing, or engaging in any other unspeakable bathroom antics. Yes, people do this to me. Every day.

~Before you call me.. try just turning the phone off.. yes, it will fix your problem at least 75% of the time.

~If you're too cheap to pay for phone sex, NEVER... EVER call customer service as a substitute. They don't pay me enough to listen to you molest yourself.

~If you're on a plan that includes free roaming and long distance within the U.S.... Canada doesn't fall under that. Yes, I'm serious.

~If you lose your phone, and you don't have insurance. Tough shit. Who's fault is that? It sure isn't mine, and no, I can't just 'produce' another phone for you. If I could dispense cell phones at will, I sure as hell wouldn't be sitting in a cubicle talking to you. I'd be blowing Blackberries out my nose and selling them on ebay for a hefty profit.

~When I say 'Can I please get your 10 digit mobile number, with the area code first*..' ......DON'T start dialing the number. Yeah, I don't understand tones, I actually need you to SAY IT.

~*'Area code first'.... Nope, I'm not asking for your zip code. If I was, I'm not 100% sure here, but I'm pretty confident that I'd say 'Zip code'.

aaaah, I think that does it for right now.. I could think of a few more, but I'll save em for another time.

Yeah, still pretty bored, still wide awake. Nothing else to do but load up my mp3 player and wait for the sun to come up. I love when the sun is barely up, and everything is still kinda hazy, and it's dead quiet.

it's 20 minutes of feeling completely alone. No one else is awake, not even the birds. This is great. I guess cause it's the most alone I ever feel, but I know it won't last forever, so I can actually enjoy it. Hmm.. that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. Maybe I AM tired..

"The head of state has called for me by name, but I don't have time for him. It's gonna be a glorious day, I feel my luck could change"